04 January 2011

The 2010 Boab Awards

I always feel that end of year lists can get a wee bit tedious once you’ve read your way through about 18 in one day. There’s absolutely no harm in doing them of cours. They can throw up some new things for you to listen to that you’d never have entertained otherwise. In fact, if it hadn’t been for Peenko’s top 50 albums a few years back, I’d probably never have listened to Department of Eagles. Nor had I listened to The Scottish Enlightenment’s cracking album until this years BAMs. However, I don’t feel that posting about my top ten favourite albums/gigs/singles/EPs/hairstyles/whatever would be of benefit to anyone really. So I’ve decided to approach things a wee bit differently and have a bit of fun. So I present to you, The 2010 Boab Awards. It’s only called the Boab Awards because I realised only ten minutes ago that I’d actually need to call it something. And due to a pounding sore head and sinus problems I can’t really think of anything else at the moment. Feel free to suggest any other names which sound less egotistical. Anyway, here we go!

The first award is for Best Clarinet Solo Of The Year. If there‘s only one thing in the world that everyone agrees on, it‘s that there‘s absolutely nothing better than a clarinet solo, right? There’s Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue with its slippery dreamy glissando at the beginning. Then there’s Debussy’s Premiere Rhapsodie, which shifts silkily from jaunty staccato notes to chocolate-smooth legato and effortlessly back. However, this year something came along which, in 15 seconds, completely tanned the arse of every other clarinet solo you’ve ever heard in your life. That something was, of course, Kevin Brolly of Admiral Fallow. Squealing Pigs begins with confused contemplation on the future, relaying the conflicting advice that everyone tries to give you during adolescence as you decide what you want to do with your life. Then Brolly comes along and the song is transformed into a glorious, joyful stomp, one in which you know everything will work out alright in the end.

This years ‘Look At Me!!!! I’m Seeking Attention!!!!’ Award, and also the award for Most Out-Of-Time Singer At A Gig goes to that lassie that was standing stage-right when The Twilight Sad played an acoustic set in support of The Unwinding Hours. She was utterly awful yet insisted on belting out the words to every song at the top of her voice, obviously not realising that the louder she sang the less she (and the rest of us!!) would actually be able to hear The Twilight Sad themselves. This meant she ended up being a good three or four bars out of time throughout. James Graham, to his credit, managed to ignore it for the most part until And She Would Darken The Memory when he stopped and drawled, ‘ah cannae understand this, sorry. You’re daein wan ‘hing, am daein another’. Showing incredible restraint, he offered to dedicate the song to her if she didn’t sing any more, rather than abrasively telling her to shut the fuck up (which I probably would have done if I was in his position). You can watch it here.

The award for Most Interesting And Eventful Life In The Scottish Music Scene could go to no person other than Mr Tunes himself, Jim Connick. Anyone who follows him on Twitter will no doubt agree with me that his life is far more eventful than anyone else who has ever lived. Off the top of my head, this year Jim:

  • stabbed himself in the leg whilst sitting at his computer
  • almost set himself on fire whilst smoking a cigarette in his house
  • managed to get punched by an angry ex-Poundland employee who had recently lost his job
  • pulled an ex-girlfriend on a night out then went back to hers and tweeted for the duration
  • fell over many times
  • was run over by a woman in a wheelchair
  • took a pregnancy test which came up positive
  • was involved in a bus crash
  • had his ball sack ripped open during a game of football
  • Fell down the stairs.
  • Fell down the stairs. Again.
So well done, Jim! Take care this year though, eh?

The ‘Where The Fuck Did He Go?’ Award for World’s Longest Microphone cable goes to Matt Berninger of The National, who decided to jump into the O2 Academy crowd and use his manliness to try and fight his way all the way to the back. And then he kept going. And going. And going. Eventually he reached the bar and had to come back so the rest of the band could finish the song. Speaking to him after the gig, he told me he was trying to go down the road to the House of Sher so he could get some tacky plastic ornaments for his mantelpiece, but the rest of the guys probably wouldn’t like him doing that because last time he was there he bought them all a fake Action Man and a foosty pelmet.

Until next year, when hopefully I'll be able to think of some more, farewell.
Boab xx


  1. Don't forget he punched a fox, and a pidgeon i believe?

  2. I'm honoured.
    I punched a pigeon on purpose, and kicked a fox by accident. I also told a cow to fuck off. A real cow, not one of the exes.

  3. I so wish you did a diary of your daily life....

  4. I do, we call it Twitter.
    Oh, and how could I get mixed up, it was a FUCKING HUGE SEAGULL!
    I blame that partly on Lord Peenko though, since it was shortly after he drunkenly expressed a desire to kick a seagull to death.

  5. Anonymous6/1/11

    That girl at the Oran Mor gig was a disgrace. The awards are well deserved.

  6. I briefly found the girl hilarious, the novelty soon wore off though.